A mom's nightmare....

So it's Halloween. Time for spooky stories and scary movies. Well, I have a real life 'scary' moment. My almost 20 year old son has purchased a motorcycle. A 'chick magnet'. Yes, this is a photo of him riding withOUT a helmet. He was in an empty parking lot; doing a 'test' drive. He rides with a brand new helmet.

I'm not thrilled. I didn't want him to buy it. I am not one of those HUGE worry warts. I gave him lots of 'room' when he turned 16 and could drive. I did ask for check in's in the beginning. I would see or hear an ambulance and call him. As the years passed; he showed his safety and responsibility, I could actually go to sleep if he hadn't yet arrived home for the night.

This is SO different. A motorcycle doesn't have antilock brakes or airbags. He has been careful on it. He is reading up on safety and precautions. He is a smart kid and NOT an aspiring dare devil stunt rider. Still, it scares me more than anything else he has done. I've already awoke from a dead sleep dreaming about it. I calmly went and checked under the carport ~ the bike was there. Then I went to his room and just touched him. Of course, I woke him up at 2:30 in the morning and scared him too. I busted out into tears. My dream was real. Probably because I no longer dream and haven't in years, that I can recall. This one was vivid, in color and I remembered every tiny detail. I went back to my room and just cried. The crying that racks your body and leaves you drained. It took at least another hour before I could go back to sleep.

Friday night we sat and talked for a long time after he came in from work. He told me about reading up on all the cautions and scenarios that 'could' happen on a bike. One of his buddies has given him some lessons. He isn't driving it too fast. He reassured me he watches EVERYthing and for everyone on the road. He told me about how he does this. I felt a bit better.

I told him, there is NO possible way for him to understand the fear of a mom. I told him I didn't even know if he would fully understand it the day he becomes a father ~ because a mom has carried this child within her and feels sole responsibility. I know I feel that more so because I have basically raised them alone for the last 12 years. Yes, their father still has weekend visitation and does spend that time with his children. However, I am the one there, day in and day out. I wouldn't have it any other way. But I told Derek that it would rip my world apart for something to happen to him. I came right out and said that I didn't want to bury him before I die. I know it may sound morbid to some. Yet, I needed him to know how much I care and how CAREFUL I want him to be.

He will be 20 in January. Technically a man, but always my 'little' boy. It's so hard some days to watch them become adults and then some days we wonder just how much longer it will take until they get there! The day he purchased the bike, is one of the days I still wish I could 'control' the boy; instead of watching my son grow into the man.